"Now you have to remove them.". The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." What's long and hard and full of semen? Where you stick the cucumber. 2. Beat it. Men vacuums in the same way that they have sex. Is it in?

There are two types of people in the world. What are the three shortest words in the English language? “My mom’s favorite Stevie Wonder song is, “I Just Called to Say Someone You Don’t Know Has Cancer.” Damien Fahey, “My mom said she learned how to swim. I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner and then I remember that I am the mom and I have to cook dinner. How is sex like a game of bridge? They just put it in, make some noise during 3 minutes, before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.” Robert A. Heinlein, “[Kids] are challenging.

Call and tell her about it. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group, "Just call me Cleopatra, everybody, 'cause I'm the queen of denial. What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like? On occasion, we also use cookies to collect information from our toddlers, but that’s a totally different thing. What color flowers do mama cats like to get?

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A glad-he-ate-her. Mom: I don’t know sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: 1. Not all jokes need to be family friendly and G-rated. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!".

More jokes about: dirty.

Why did the mommy cat want to go bowling? Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? I beat it single handedly. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from! What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year? Which is why we rounded up the mom jokes and quotes that will leave you loving and laughing at your mom even more. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. By Savvas. Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday morning” did not have kids.

They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” Tina Fey, “Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” Amy Poehler, “I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” Reese Witherspoon, “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” Chrissy Teigen.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Vote: share joke. "Because," the doctor says. A wet nose. Keep the tip. A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. 2. Now you watch your kid lick the grocery cart and you don’t even break a sweat.” @She’s The Honest Mom, “I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.” -Petite Bello, “Is there any way to file a temporary restraining against a toddler? Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.

Just like 24 hours, maybe. © 2020 Galvanized Media. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Well played, Karma. Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” Shonda Rhimes, “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. What did mommy spider say to baby spider? Why did the sperm cross the road? (, What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? In fact, according to the most recent search data available to us, mom jokes is searched for nearly 22,200 times per month. Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? "Why?"

Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? Kermit The Frog's fingers! Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Daughter: “Mom, I need my personal space!”, You know you’re a mom when…picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary. Hilariously rude humor that looks at the funny side of sex. "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? Yo mama so dirty she went to your school and the principal dropped out. What do you call a cheap circumcision? The taste!

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? We have our fair share of lists of dad, mom, and straight-up cringe-worthy bad jokes… Spit-up is new favorite accessory; no outfit is complete without it. But would you listen to me? Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? What did the lazy boy say to his mom on Mother’s Day when she was about to do the dishes? Get a laugh at the best (or, rather, worst) one-liners that humanity can think up. We're closed. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

I come with toys and kids. You know you’re a mom when picking up another a human to smell their butt isn’t only normal but necessary. Do you know anything about this Goldie? The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. Wine is necessary. Unless you have kids Then silence is suspicious.

If you’re not offended easily, these dirty jokes from Ask Reddit will have you busting a gut laughing. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? The best top rated funny short dirty jokes of all time. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling? What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Asking for a friend…” -Just Surviving Motherhood, “I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Thanks.” -Just Surviving Motherhood, “Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. One's a Goodyear. My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much. Nothing is really lost…until mom can’t find it. Those who love dirty jokes, and those who are lying. What do you do when your cat's dead? Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, “Phew it’s chocolate.”. You want to torture someone? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” Jennifer Garner, “Delusions are often functional. The other watches your snatch. Beef strokin' off! All Rights Reserved. You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold. It's the same adrenaline rush you get from riding a roller coaster. They’re great though,” Kelly Clarkson, “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” Ed Asner, “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” Julia Roberts, “I’ve conquered a lot of things … blood clots in my lungs — twice … knee and foot surgeries … winning Grand Slams being down match point … to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” Serena Williams. The best dirty jokes. Silence is golden. Because if we could, we'd spend the whole time squirting each other. Never doubt a mother!

There are at least seven species who eat their young. Dirty Seniors.

And while you’re at it, check out our dick, boob, fart, and poop jokes. Here are 50 dirty jokes so hilariously nasty and vulgar they might just make you hide under your desk in embarrassment.

A private tutor! “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” Stephanie McMaster, “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” Kelly Oxford. 2 days tops. Joke has 85.86 % from 632 votes.

4. Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

It helps build a stronger bond, study finds.

There is a legend that if you take a shower and scream out loud “Mom” three times, a nice lady appears bringing the towel you forgot. But my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”, Pointed look from mom: “Give you money? Then I want to move in with them.” Phyllis Diller, “Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.” Kristen Bell, “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” Julie Bowen, “I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.” Anon, “You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a … Yo mama so dirty the dirt on the ground look better than her GOLDILOCKS’S MOTHER: I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? My nickname is Mom. You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone. Son: Mom, what’s a weekend? You scream with terror even though you know you're perfectly safe. 17. Gum! No! What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day?

And everything was so terrifying? Privacy Policy. They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out.". Enter your email address to get the best tips and advice.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. At my age I’m no longer a snack; I’m a Happy Meal.

She is as respected as Mother Theresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” Parks & Recreation (2009-2015). Had a fight with an erection this morning. What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? Together, we can stop this crap. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”. What's long, green, and smells like bacon?

It just waved.". “If at first you don’t succeed…try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.” Unknown, “If you’ve never said ‘you need to back up a little so I can wipe myself’, do you even have kids?” @The Mother Octopus, “I always remind my kids: having a weird mom builds character.” -Wellnessmama, “I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” -Mommy Owl, “I love all my children equally.